February is the cruelest month, at least for ex-Sun Microsystems chief executive Jonathan Schwartz, after he signed off from his role at the company with a haiku on Twitter.

The former head-honcho must have been in a wistful mood to choose such a unique, and somewhat melancholic, way to leave his role. Who knows, perhaps it could set off a wave of poetic scribbling in the rest of the IT sector:

Apple's iPad launch: New device for you / really just a big iPod Touch / you'll buy it anyway.

Google threatens to leave China: We said don't be evil / China does not agree with us though/ so we'll be off then.

Bet you never knew Sneak could haiku with the best of them did you?

However, while Sneak was impressed with Schwartz's effort, it felt something in the style of Private Eye's in-house poet may have been more fitting:

So, farewell then, Jonathan Schwartz,
Former CEO of Sun.
You tweeted,
Your goodbye in a haiku,
On twitter,
How clever.

But now I fear
The sun has set
On your career,
At least for now.

In dedication to EJ Thribb 17Mb and a ½

Any advances on the above, closet poetry writers?

February 4, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

A report in The Times says that Jewish groups and Holocaust survivors are angry with Apple.

At issue is an app called iMussolini: The man who changed the history of our country, which is the current bestseller on Italy's App store, and is being downloaded about 1,000 times a day.

Luigi Marino, the app's 25 year old creator, told the paper that his creation is a collection of audio, video and text speeches, and was launched earlier this month.

Its popularity, however, has offended the Jewish community, one of whom, Leone Soued, head of the Jewish community in Milan, said, "One can hope it will not be a success, but I can understand why the man in the street might download it." Soued added that Apple is, "a serious multinational which deserves respect for its innovations".

Other commentators went further. Tullia Zevi, former head of the Jewish community in Rome, described the app as contributing to "the slide towards legitimising fascism and the rehabilitation of Mussolini", while Armando Cossutta, deputy head of the Italian Association of Partisans, added that it was "an unacceptable attempt to exalt a filthy past".

So far Apple has not commented. Maybe it is too busy working on licensing a new iFührer app.

February 3, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

This weekend Sky television will show a live 3D football match in boozers across the UK.

The broadcaster has announced that it will broadcast the live premiership game between Arsenal (boo) and Manchester United (boo too) at pubs in London, Manchester, Cardiff and Edinburgh, before rolling the technology out in pubs in the rest of the country later this year.

Although he'd usually watch his foot being run over than either one of those teams winning a football game, the prospect of 3D glasses meeting booze goggles is just too rich for Sneak to avoid, so he is likely to try and squeeze himself in at a bar in one of these locations, but not without taking a lot of due care and protection.

Just imagine if a 3D Rooney comes lurching across the pub and scores the winning goal, while simultaneously looking at someone's bird, and knocking over the pints of the assembled Arsenal fans.

Few people would want to be around when that all kicks off, let alone Sneak.

January 28, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Proving that there is someone out there for everyone, and two people out there for some of us, Oracle's big cheese Charles E Phillips Jr has been the victim of a number of rather unfortunate billboard advertisements.

In the billboard ads, which began springing up in the US earlier this week, the president of the firm is seen in an embrace with a lady who is not his wife. Which is a bit odd.

Early on in the campaign people thought that Charles might have been one of the most insensitive people of all time, and was using the huge ads to gloat about the new love in his life. Apparently this is not the case. He is just not very faithful.

According to Phillips, who is currently divorcing his wife, the pictures show him with his former mistress, who he dated for some eight and a half years. They also contain a link to a web page with hundreds of other photos of the pair on. Which must be nice, for anyone who likes to look at that sort of thing, and isn't currently married to the charmer.

"I had an 8½ year serious relationship with YaVaughnie Wilkins," Phillips said in a statement released on Thursday. "My divorce proceedings began in 2008. The relationship with Ms Wilkins has since ended and we both wish each other well."

We can't help but wonder who is behind the ads. Perhaps it is Calvin Klein advertising a new scent?

Adultery has a nice ring about it.

January 22, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Worried that work colleagues take your emails too seriously? That your hundreds or thousands of Twitter followers just don't get your urbane, droll, bitingly sarcastic tweets on the latest tech news? Or just want to come across as a surly, uncommunicative teenager once in a while?

Well then, help is at hand (somewhat literally), with the invention of a new punctuation mark called the sarcasm mark, or to give it its awful official name, the SarcMark.

The firm behind it, called Sarcasm Inc, (cha, how long did it take them to think of THAT?) said the SarcMark (yeah, like, whatever), would be available for $1.99 (£1.22) - wow, great value.

Incidentally, the symbol, looks a bit like a paper clip, or a malformed @ key, which is really cool guys!

In a statement the company said, "Statements have the period, questions have the question mark, exclamations have the exclamation mark and when you see the newest punctuation mark for sarcasm, you'll know the writer of that sentence doesn't literally mean what they're writing; they're being sarcastic." Could they BE any more obvious?

Really though, if you have to spell out your sarcasm out with a SarcMark then you're doing it wrong, as you can probably tell from this post.

In fact, Sneak can't help but be reminded of that wonderful scene from The Simpsons in which Comic Book Guy comments on Professors Frink's sarcasm detector with the line "Oh a sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention."

January 14, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

The House of Lords often gives the impression of being full of fusty, crusty members of the landed gentry who wouldn't know an iPhone from a gramophone if it app-ed them in the face. So it came as a pleasant surprise to Sneak this week during the Lords' committee stage debate on the Digital Economy Bill, to find that some were clearly keen to show they are in fact rather switched on about the whole thing.

Lord Mitchell boasted of a 43-year career in the IT industry and claimed that the IT industry, instead of going into middle age and slowing down, seems to have "reverted to adolescence and is growing faster and more frenetically than ever".

"Look at a product such as the iPhone. A year and a half ago, Apple announced the product called apps - applications to go on the iPhone (he clarified for presumably less clued up members) - and just 18 months later there are 130,000 applications for the iPhone. I read yesterday that 3 billion downloads - one for every two people on this planet-have occurred," he said.

He also mentioned the recent release of Google's new phone and touched on the rumoured Apple product announcement for an "iTablet".

He sure wanted to talk about Apple didn't' he? Coincidentally he mentioned that he "holds a significant shareholding in Apple".

Meanwhile, showing an unexpected penchant for somewhat low-brow television Lord Clement-Jones said the recent success of X-Factor, Dr Who, and Strictly Come Dancing over Christmas were proof public service content "brought people together".

"I forget which show had the largest audience; it was probably "The X Factor", which I believe was watched by some 20 million people," he bluffed unconvincingly, clearly knowing full-well X-Factor won the battle.

However, not all the Lords managed to shake their old-school image with Lord Lucas somehow coming to the conclusion that Charles Dickens would have been an avid iPhone user.

"If Dickens had been alive today, he would look at the iPhone not as a threat but as a wonderful opportunity to get out there with drama in ways that no one had ever thought of before. He was a great user of new media in his day," he said.

So using the new media of today he'd have presumably written Oliver Twitter, or perhaps Martin Chuzzletwit. Any other suggestions?

January 8, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (3)

If you were wondering what photography company Polaroid was up to, wonder no more. The firm has aligned itself with gaga popstar Lady Gaga in the hopes of creating a number of speciality products.

According to the pair of them the partnership unites 'one of the world's most iconic brands', yeah Polaroid, with today's 'fastest rising musical artist and cultural trend setter' - who in this instance, we take to be Lady Gaga. What will she get up to, apart from going "Oh, oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh...", a lot?.We wouldn't like to imagine.

"I am so proud to announce my new partnership with Polaroid as the creative director and inventor of specialty projects," said Lady Gaga. "The Haus of Gaga has been developing prototypes in the vein of fashion/technology/photography innovation-blending the iconic history of Polaroid and instant film with the digital era-and we are excited to collaborate on these ventures with the Polaroid brand. Lifestyle, music, art, fashion: I am so excited to extend myself behind the scenes as a designer, and to as my father puts it-finally, have a real job."

We don't know how often Gaga will appear in Polaroid's offices, but we sincerely doubt that she will be punching in between nine and five too often. Though when she does she will more likely than not be wearing an outlandish hat and very little else. Which should at the least, make for some interesting board meetings.

Thankfully, neither she, nor the person that wrote the announcement will have much of a role in accounting or finances. "She is the only artist since the inception of monitored radio airplay to claim five #1 hits from a debut album ("Just Dance," "Poker Face," "LoveGame" and "Paparazzi"), the blurb tells us. And unless we are very much mistaken, that only makes four, and of those we have only heard of three.

January 6, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Timid wallflower Paul Hewson, aka Bono, has taken a break from saving the world and decided to aim his wrath at internet piracy.

Writing an Op-Ed piece for the little-known New York Times Mr B warned the TV and movie industries that the only thing protecting them from the fate that has befallen the music and newspaper industries, "is the size of the files."

Underlining a flair for language that has made him so beloved the world over he said, "The immutable laws of bandwidth tell us we're just a few years away from being able to download an entire season of "24" in 24 seconds."

He should call U2's next album The Immutable Laws of Bandwidth; it's got a nice ring to it. And if we can ever download entire series of shows in 24 seconds, then at least the superfast broadband we've been promised will have finally been delivered.

Anyway, back to Bono (yes, we must) and he was clearly starting to enjoy being opinionated as he lined up China for a little dig, as well as showing some alarmingly Big Brother-like sentiments:

"We know from America's noble effort to stop child pornography, not to mention China's ignoble effort to suppress online dissent, that it's perfectly possible to track content," wrote the mighty Leprechaun. "Perhaps movie moguls will succeed where musicians and their moguls have failed so far, and rally America to defend the most creative economy in the world."

Bono wants net monitoring? Sneak thought he would say 'down with this sort of thing', not that it's noble. A worrying development.

He ends his piece somewhat confusingly by addressing himself: "Note to self: Don't get over-rewarded rock stars on this bully pulpit, or famous actors; find the next Cole Porter, if he/she hasn't already left to write jingles."

Hang on...is that Bono referring to himself as an "over-rewarded rock star"? A collector's item if so.

January 4, 2010 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Attention married men. You know how we always say technology is an enabler? Well, don't shoot the messenger, but it just might enable your dissatisfied spouses to seek comfort in the arms of another this festive season.

IllicitEncounters.co.uk, which proudly declares itself as the UK's largest extra-marital dating site, is warning that the first 31 days of the new year are among its busiest, as put-upon wifies everywhere decide they've had enough.

"The majority of British divorces occur in January and February. Christmas can be a stressful time - especially for wives and mothers, who are often expected to perform an array of domestic duties, from preparing Christmas dinner to buying the majority of the presents," explained spokesperson Sara Hartley.

"There are so many possible arguments to be had. If a couple are already having problems, the added pressure that Christmas brings could force them to make drastic decisions about their future. Some may decide to break up; others may seek an escape. That's where we come in."

Indeed they do. Stepping into the romantic vacuum like a Shakespearian villain, IllicitEncounters.co.uk is promising that this year it will be ready for the rush on its services, which sees 20 per cent of annual members sign up in just a month.

Server upgrades and new staff at the ready, all the site needs now is for 2010 to roll around and deposit its slurry of loveless married couples to its door. Gotta love the internet.

December 28, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)

The most watched video on YouTube this year was Susan Boyle. Yep. Susan Boyle.

In a television appearance that was both disturbing and impressive Boyle belted out a song by Elaine Paige that out of choice most people wouldn't listen to in the first place. In doing so she won the hearts and minds, and concern for well being, of YouTube viewers everywhere.

120 million people have watched the "I Dreamed a Dream" clip on YouTube, or if it makes you feel better about the future of the planet, 12 people watched it 10 million times each.

Further cementing our plans to dig out a metal bunker in which to spend the rest of our days in isolation, the second most popular video featured a six-year old boy hopped up on dental drugs. What have we become? And the third most popular was a clip of a very self-indulgent and presumably over long wedding ceremony, in which a family of wannabees generally destroyed the sanctity of a church, while simulataneously making Sony money.

And that's worldwide. In the UK the most popular videos included one of babies rollerskating, something that sounds straight out of a nightmare to us, and a very slow to play interactive Street Fighter video game.

It is interesting to see what search terms proved popular over the course of the year, if only because it provides a quick glance at a number of key events. For example, December saw searches for Tiger Woods shoot up, and June and July saw people devour Micheal Jackson videos with such fervour that you would think he must have died or something.

"From a new singer's debut on the world stage to newlyweds dancing down the aisle, YouTube offers everyone a way to experience and share in the big or small moments that touch millions of people around the world," said Chad Hurley, chief executive and co-founder of YouTube.

We are presumably still waiting on the 'big' moments. In the meantime, you can keep your Boyles.

December 16, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)